Chapter 16 - Tears of a Breaking Heart

A teeny warning before you continue - Arnav may let you down in this chapter... x

I will remember your small room, 

...
your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again. 

- Charles Bukowski

Khushi turned back around, the storm raging through her still kept at bay, a couple of more paces and then she could let it all out. The corridor of her flat was still dark, the only light being one being emitted through the main bedroom, she fingered the switch and turned it on then turned it off again remembering that it wouldn't turn on from that one. The smell was familiar, she was on home ground once more, Acqua de Gioia mixed with musk and a tinge of her Thai Orchid spray. She stepped out of her little pumps, her soft heels against the cool laminate flooring, then the little slab of carpet outside her bathroom door with its door slightly ajar. She fingered the other switch and turned it on and the little bulb above came on, illuminating the familiar cream walls and her painting of a lone elephant against a black velvet cloth, positioned just right so an orb of the light fell onto it. It had been Arnav's doing. His face appeared in her mind once more, the different emotions of it churning through her mind, shock, confusion, determination, rage and then finally hurt. Her foot hovered mid-step for the smallest of seconds as she considered walking  back and opening the door that she had just shut on his face but then put it forward again, flushing the thoughts of him out of her mind, or at least attempting to. She pushed down on the living room switch and the tube light flickered twice then emitted a dull bluish glow before it flickered on completely, propelling her into the brightness of her living room. She appraised it as if she had returned to it after many years, to find it exactly the same way she had left it.

The take out menus lay in a messy pile under the long glass top coffee table along with her various magazine and recipe articles, all over the place possibly from banging into the table in her haste the last time she had left. The curtain was still slightly open, letting in a chunk of the morning light and it's gloom. Her yellow and pink post-its were still stuck to the wall near the large couch; books she intended to buy, deadlines for projects she had already submitted. Her eyes then traveled to the neat line of ripped paper shaped post-its up top, the black-inked handwriting on them standing out and her mind whirred back to all the different times Arnav had written different quotes from books he had read then stuck them on. They were very old and she had stuck them on again using blu-tac because the glue strip on the paper had worn away. A tear slid down her face and she quickly wiped it away.

She turned towards her bookcase, the books ordered in size, in no particular order of name or genre, a crime novel then a romance, and then slowly up to the soft toys on top of it and nestled between them small tiny silver frames. The one in the center was larger than other two, she had brought it with her when she had first moved to Aberdeen, it has been a present from her parents. On the left bottom corner of the frame there were tiny stars cut out and then on the top right hand corner shooting stars, embossed out of the silver metal.

"Bitiya the stars on the frame are there to represent your real parents."

Garima's kind words still rang through her ears and in the picture she stood in the middle, snuggled in between her mother and her father. Her father, the thought of him brought tears to her eyes in their full force for the first time since she had got back. She didn't make an attempt to stop them or wipe them away and instead let them streak down her face, blurring her vision completely. Large droplets, down her cheek and on to her peach top.

Signed a contract 

Her father had signed a contract writing her life over to another man. She didn't even know what to make of it anymore. Was her life really worth so little? It felt as if her heart would burn out soon, the dull ache of it increasing and reaching the surface and in the corner of everything she felt empty, completely empty. As if there was nothing that was left to think about, everything that had to be said had been said, would thinking about it do her any good? Her eyes then slowly moved to the frame to the right, it was a solid rectangular block with a small bow on the top left hand corner, simply designed, a gift from Arnav and in it was a picture of them. It was one of those summer pictures were the sun had shone bright and so much as looking at it made it feel like sunny summer again. She was leaning against him as his left arm went around her shoulder and held the camera above them, the sun glinting off of their aviators. She let her eyes rest on it for a few minutes, going through the outlines of their faces, their beaming smiles then looked away, refusing to let herself feel anything about it and moved her eyes to the one on the left. It was a heart-shaped frame and she refused to look at the picture held within it as her sorrow was quickly replaced by a slow rising, bubbling anger. Her tears still continued to flow as she reached up for the heart-shaped frame and took it down, her hands shaking from the trembles running through her. She turned around to walk towards her kitchen when she suddenly stopped again and turned back towards the bookcase and before giving it a second thought, gulping down her tears, she stretched her arm up and took down the other two frames as well. She looked at the one with her parents, her bright smile, their tender faces, then crouching down placed the two frames on the bottom shelf facing down. Then she turned towards the kitchen and walked towards the bin and dropped the heart-shaped frame into it. Silent tears gathered in her eyes and ran down her cheeks, her top now completely drenched, the light foundation she had worn in the morning now non-existent. She stood at the bin for a few minutes, her mind empty now, her raging thoughts being pushed to a corner. She brought her palms to her cheeks and wiped them three times then turned around and walked off towards the bathroom. Turning on the tap she held her hands underneath it till the cold water warmed up, then cupping her hands and filling it with water she threw it on her face, beads of water fell on to her top and around her onto the tiled floor. She repeated this a few times until all her tears had washed off. She then turned on the shower and letting it run walked off towards her bedroom and grabbed a towel.

She stepped into the bath, the warm flow of water against her feet comforting in it's own way. And that's when she finally let it all hit her. The betrayals, the anguish, her life now a tattered mess. She stood under the hot shower and let her salty tears mingle with the trickles of water. And she screamed with the sobs that broke out of her throat, like an animal howling from pain, banging her body against the tiled wall and let her body slide to the floor.

"Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!" She screamed again pulling at her wet hair, the tears now angrily spurting out of her eyes. She sat their, hugging her knees to herself and letting the tirade of water splash over her head and then down her back, creating pink blotches against her skin as it fell on her in sharp bursts. She sat like that for what felt like hours, until every muscle in her body had given way, until her mind had become numb to the pain and the erratic beats of her heart had calmed down. And when she finally stepped out, her mind was made. She'd let her life take it's own course for once, for that was all she could do and she would shut up the events that had led her here somewhere in a dark corner of her heart. Yes her life would not be the same again but she could not change or fix things that were simply not in her hands. When she had left for India she had somewhat left her life half-way and maybe it was a good thing that things had worked out this way. She would just need to continue as if nothing had happened for that was the only way....

~ But if I sit here and weep, I’ll be blown over by the slightest of leaves – Rambling Man, Laura Marling ~

****

Arnav drove through the wide road lined with trees, their green leaves waving almost rhythmically to the wind. His expression was desolate and grim and he kept his eyes focused on the road, his mind in a distant place, the browns of his eyes dark and glazed with unshed tears. 

 I will remember your small room, 

the feel of you, 

the light in the window, 

your records, 

your books, 

our morning coffee, 

our noons, 

our nights, 

our bodies spilled together, 

sleeping, 

the tiny flowing currents, 

immediate and forever. 

Your leg, my leg, 

your arm, my arm, 

your smile and the warmth 

of you 

who made me laugh again. 

- Charles Bukowski

His hand was tight on the steering wheel, his knuckles white against his skin. It was the only thing he could have done and although it may not have been the right time it would in the end be for the best. He would have left, one way or the other, he would have. And now she would recover, he knew that much and she would recover without him. She may hate him but wouldn't he rather live with her hatred? All that had happened had been a revelation, his assumptions had come true. She didn't need this and one day there would come a time when he wouldn't be able to protect her. He signaled left and turned into the car park of his own flat then pulled into a space, then resting his head against the seat brought his hands to his face. There were still too many things to correct, too much to do but for now Arundathi was out of the way, even if only for a while and until then he would stay back in Aberdeen, make sure she was okay from a distance and then that would be it. That would be it. 

~ I hope you wake up and it suddenly hits you: that there wasn’t anyone who loved you as much as I loved you. – Unknown ~

****

"Khushi? Khushi bitiya?" Tears gathered in Garima's eyes as she hugged the phone to her ear in anticipation of her daughters voice. Arnav had let her know that Khushi was now safe, that she wanted to be alone but he would hang around to see that she was okay. Her gratitude for Arnav right now could not be put  into words and all she wanted to hear was Khushi's voice, alive and well, the reassurance that her daughter, her little angel was indeed okay. 

"Amma?" Khushi's voice was broken through tears as she murmured back into the phone, her mothers voice like a blessing. "Amma," she began to sob, everything that she had put to the back of her mind reaching the surface once more. "Amma."

"Yes Khushi, I'm here. Kh...Khushi are you okay?" Garma managed to stammer out through her own ragged sobs as Shashi looked on from the background. 

"I'm fine Amma. I just... I don't know," she continued to cry, clutching the phone to her ear, needing desperately to be near her mother, in her embrace. 

"Kh..Khusi bitiya do you want me to come there? I know you aren't okay. I can come," Garima spoke in between her tears, the sound of her daughters broken voice making her heart break. 

"No no, Amma don't," she replied wiping away her tears. "I'll be fine. I'll just... I'm going to call work tomorrow and tell them I'm coming back early," she gulped back her tears and attempted to sound strong. 

"Nahi nahi bitiya, I'll come." Garima now added with more determination.

"No amma seriously. I'll be fine. I just need a bit of alone time. You know me I'll be fine," she assured herself more than her mother. 

Garima pondered this thought for a second and decided that yes Khushi did need some time to herself. She was a strong girl and she would get herself out of it. All that mattered right now was that she was safe and maybe now that the idiot Aakash was out, there would still be hope for something between Arnav and Khushi. 

Shashi watched on as Garima pacified their daughter. He couldn't face Garima, he still hadn't told her what had happened exactly, just that Arundathi wanted to kill Khushi. He hadn't meant for it to reach this point, of course he hadn't. He loved Khushi more than anything else in the world and at first he had taken her refusal to marry Aakash as one of her stubborn outbursts, but it had ended up being a lot more than that and he still didn't know the whole story. At the time it had felt like a good idea, Khushi was engaged to Aakash anyway so what harm could it possibly have done. But it had and it had nearly cost his daughters life and it was all his fault. All his fault. He gripped the edge of the table for fear that if he didn't hold onto something solid he may collapse into a heap. The guilt gushing through him too strong for him to take. Had he really just nearly cost Khushi her life? He was grateful for Arnav, if it wasn't for Arnav his only daughter could have died. 

****

"Hello Aman? Is it done?"

"Yes sir. She's still unconscious and we'll keep her there for another two weeks. After that?"

"Good Aman. I've told Anjali that Arundathi has gone on an urgent business meeting for two weeks. But after that..." He leaned back on the sofa, his fingers pinching his forehead, attempting to control the dull pain. "I don't know Aman," he admitted quietly, all substance in his voice lost, no longer able to process his thoughts coherently. "I'll think of something and let you know. But have you found anything else?"

"Well sir I've gone through the documents we pulled off of her laptop for the third time but haven't managed to find anything of use." Arnav nodded to himself, as if this was what he had expected. "But I'll send someone over to the house tomorrow and get them to check her safe."

"Yes that's fine Aman. Just let me know when you find it."

Cutting the call off he reached over for one of the take away menus. He still didn't know what he was going to do. He needed to leave her but his heart would not let him. He wanted to distance himself from her, but at this point would it really make any difference? Arundathi's motive was now the property and she wanted it one way or the other, Arnav didn't know what her next plan of action even was. "Shut up Arnav you're only making up excuses!" He spoke to himself, "she'll get out of this alone. Stop finding excuses to stay back!"

----

Khushi sat against the sofa arm, her legs tucked under her knees with a book in her lap. It was getting dark and she didn't have anything at home to eat, she had left having finished all of her food and she had been too exhausted to go anywhere, her mind in too much of a mess to think straight. She needed to go to her bank and request for another bank card and withdraw some cash and for that she would have to wait till morning. For now she didn't even have the money to order a take away. In the rush of leaving and more than anything not knowing what the hell was going on she hadn't taken anything but the phone in her pocket and Arnav had only taken her passport. She felt so helpless and fresh tears gathered in her eyes as her mind ran through the events of the previous day again. "Stop it Khushi," she mumbled to herself, wiping away at her cheeks, "stop this you're fine," she attempted to pacify herself. And for the first time that day she wished she hadn't closed the door on Arnav, right now she needed him, she needed someone that she could just lay her head against and cry her heart out to. "But he doesn't love me," she whispered to herself through the tears, "I can't hold on to the friendship we have anymore knowing that he knows what I feel for him and still won't acknowledge it," she sobbed. "No! I won't talk to him, from now on he will no longer be a part of my life," she grabbed the tissue box and pulled a piece of tissue paper out to wipe her face when there was a loud knock on the door.

Fear rose in the pit of her stomach immediately and she felt a shiver run down her back, who could it be at this time? It was nearing 10.30pm and the light was rapidly fading outside. Gulping down her fear she crawled over to the edge of her sofa and moving back the curtain peered out, familiar cars and a delivery car. But what if they were on foot? "Stop it Khushi! Just go and check who it is!" She muttered to herself angrily and got off of the chair and began walking towards the corridor, then turned back round and grabbed the big black umbrella lying against the bookcase and began walking towards the door once more. "It's okay Khushi, this is a flat, just scream as loud as you can and your neighbours will help you," she reassured herself. One of her stupid neighbours must have left the main door open, she thought to herself now slightly irritated.  Taking slow delicate steps towards the door she put her eye to the peephole, her heart hammering against her ribs the whole time. And relief flooded through her immediately on seeing the blue overalls of the Domino's pizza delivery guy. But she hadn't ordered pizza, with her brows knitted in confusion she turned the key quickly and opened the door.

"Your order," he announced taking out a large pizza box and two smaller ones.

She watched bewildered for a second, her eyes darting between the delivery guy and the boxes. "But I didn't order anything," she finally managed to say.

"Well the order's for this flat," he stated, looking behind her for the flat number.

"Maybe you wrote down the flat number wrong. I don't even have cash on me," she replied casually. This wasn't uncommon.

"No I'm pretty sure this is the one and it's already been paid for," he stated slightly irritated now.

She frowned, annoyed. Paid for? She rolled her eyes to the heavens, the events of that previous day leaving her momentarily as she processed this issue. "Well it can't be, I didn't order anything. Isn't there like a name for the order can't you check that?" She questioned, the annoyance clear in her voice.

The deliver man keeping his customer service skills in mind gave her a forced smile and checked the side of the box. "It's for a Miss Khushey," he struggled.

"Kumari Gupta!" She finished off for him frowning, then quickly realised that it was for her. "But I didn't order it!" She half-shouted, "who ordered it?" She questioned again.

Frowning back he re-checked it, "it's 075********," he read out and her eyes widened in surprise as she felt her heart melt for him and then anger replace it almost immediately. She felt tears brim in her eyes and held it in place not wanting to break down in front of a stranger. "Oh okay," she managed to mumble out, "thanks," and giving him a curt smile quickly took the boxes from him and closed the door. Leaning back against it she slid to the floor, the tears streaking down her cheeks once more as she held onto the boxes. Why was he doing this to her? Why did he care so much if he didn't love her back? Why was life playing such a wicked game?

~ Haven’t you seen me sleep walking cause I’ve been holding your hand. Haven’t you noticed me drifting oh let me tell you, I am. Tell me it’s nothing, try to convince me that I’m not drowning. Oh let me tell you, I am. 

– Falling, The Civil Wars ~